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Ranto Rants

Yu Darvish is Pissing Me Off

January 7, 2018

What the fuck Yu Darvish? You're acting like pretty polly princess not deciding to come play for the Cubs. Every day that passes by with no decision from Yu pisses me off even further. I don't even want him anymore. He'd rather walk around some crappy zoo with his wife and kids in Japan than come to Cubs Convention in a week. And frenzzzz does not a Cubs player make. 

This was tweeted by his wife and re tweeted by Yu. 


I assume in Japanese this means, "My husband Yu can't even decide if he wants fermented soy beans or dried seaweed for breakfast so we're going to the zoo. If he likes the bears better, we're signing with the Cubs, if he likes the bird house he's signing with the Cardinals, and if he likes chimpanzees, he's signing with the Astros, because they've been to space."

This is no way to choose a baseball team Yu...Yu...Yu...undecider! And that place looks more like an old west ghost town than a zoo. Yu probably changed his mind on the way to the zoo and ended up going to the ghost town!

Plus! He's not even trying to stay in shape! Look at his lunch?

That's the crappiest matzo ball soup and the bumpiest lemon I've ever seen! And where is the other half of that banana Yu?! Probably meeting with the Yankees and being eaten by that big ape Aaron Judge! 

In conclusion. Yu Darvish is a terrible person for what he's doing to Cubs fans. If he waits any longer, he's gonna be like that popular boy who waited too long to ask a girl to prom and then when all the hot girls got dates with nerds he ended up going with his friend's sister who has braces and back-ne and no date! Good luck with that Yu. 

PS. Please sign with the Cubs.


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A Winter Wrigley Walk

January 6, 2018



It was a cold sunny Saturday on the north side of Chicago, but that didn’t stop a couple dozen people from braving the minuscule temps, donning a pair of ice skates and enjoying a couple rounds around the rink. The clear Cubbie blue skies cast construction crane shadows over the centenarian ballpark, and Santa’s workshop, now shuttered with the shops of the Christmas market. Jake Arrieta authentic jerseys are half price on the Sports World discount rack and it had me wondering how quickly they will mark them up again if he were to sign with the Cubs. Though not even close to baseball weather, the low hanging sun’s warmth and clear skies recollected better times at plus 60 degrees from current conditions. As I peered between the chainlink and into the ballpark, Tom Waits voice droning “What is he building in there?” from Mule Variations popped into my thoughts. Whatever they’re building, I’ll see it April 9th when the 10-0 Chicago Cubs face the Pirates. 


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